The ancient Mayan Calendar predicts the end of the world in 2012. Hmm…and when does Western Sydney enter the AFL? 2012! That’s no coincidence, fellow Warriors. The GWS “Whatevers” will dominate the competition to such an extent that the AFL might as well pack it in and relocate to Blacktown. Unfortunately, we still have another season-and-a-half of boring footy until GWS begin the slaughter.
So let’s take a quick look at how the teams are travelling in season 2010, and where they might end up before the footballing apocalypse happens.
Adelaide – The city of churches is gonna need a miracle to get out of the bottom four. It’s just a shame that God lives in Western Sydney. Their list is so “experienced”, they’re thinking of recruiting Butch and Latte just to keep the average age down. The Crowbots definitely need youth. Div 1 Warriors have done it and the Epping Hotel bouncers have suddenly started asking for ID. Thoughtless, DK!
Who to sledge? Funky, G-Stud, Kochie, Dirty.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Brisbane – So Voss bought a bunch of average players from other clubs, and now they’re being average for the Lions? Who would have thought? Even the Fev has been brought down to their level. Still basking in the glow of their dominant era last decade, they could easily be mistaken for Kylie Minogue, who does exactly the same thing.
Who to sledge? Rooster, Hungry. Oh right, same person.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Carlton – “They know we’re coming”?? Well when the bloody hell are you gonna arrive, Carlton? Must be via Cityrail. Chris Judd straps his shoulders each game because he has to carry this lot around every week. Although they could be in line for a premiership next year with Fevola at full forw…oh wait. Window: closed.
Who to sledge? Rove, Marshy Jr, Kinky, Sticks.
Predicted finished? Equal Last.
Collingwood – They hog ANZAC Day, Queens Birthday, and every other long weekend. They have daily exposure because of Eddie, the best facilities in Australian sport, and the biggest supporter base in the AFL. The result? One title in 52 years. However, that might change this year. Now it’ll be one title in 53 years. The Maggots get quite vocal this time of year. Must be bath time.
Who to sledge? Stumpy, Damo, Ricey, DK (if you dare).
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Essendon – Bombers fans need to let go and realize that Sheedy is ours now. Ours! You can have Matty Knights all to yourselves. He went to Windy Hill with a complex game plan which doesn’t seem to include “winning games” or “hiring fitness staff”. Rumour has it that the Bombers will hire out an entire section of the Royal Melbourne hospital just for their senior team. It’s called the “James Hird Wing”.
Who to sledge? Nipper, Deano, Rig, Frenchy, Hot Jacko.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Fremantle – The Shockers are actually having a great season so far, which can only be put down to one reason; genetic engineering. Have you seen that Aaron Sandilands? He can’t be natural. The last person that freakish lived with a travelling sideshow in a Tim Burton film. Unfortunately, it’s gonna get unstuck for Freo when they realize they’ll have to sing that club song more often and will start tanking games due to embarrassment. Seems to work for Balmain.
Who to sledge? Ah, no-one it seems. Even their namesake Docker hates them.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Geelong – The Handbaggers do have one good thing going for them; they’re keeping future GWS captain Joel Selwood warm for us. But don’t worry Cats fans, Mooney will still be there, missing goals from 10 metres out for years to come. They might have finally won some titles, but they still have to live in Geelong. And that’s a fate worse than looking like Cameron Ling.
Who to sledge? Six Goals Cations, Docker, Phar Lap, Astro, the entire McMurrich clan. Especially Docker.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Hawthorn – They’re not a happy team at Hawthorn. Statistically, they’ve had the worst premiership hangover EVER. Which is interesting since Donnie Ollington is a massive fan of the Hawks (and hangovers). Buddy Franklin is the 2nd greatest athlete ever with a beergut (behind Merv), and Jordan Lewis is playing like he’s still asleep on the floor of Etihad Stadium. Hold on, is that Jeff Kennett still talking? Someone give that guy a cracker.
Who to sledge? Donnie, Bubsy.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Melbourne – If Melbourne was a Baskin-Robbins flavour, they’d be vanilla. No-one wants to watch them, and even Bruce McAvaney doesn’t think they’re special. It’s not too late to rename the club “Melboring”. And even though that they’re starting to win some games, they probably wished they’d merged with Hawthorn. Oh, and nice pick with Jack Watts. No-one would have chosen Natanui instead [insert sarcasm here].
Who to sledge? Butch, Dyl, Dunc.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Nth Melb – Roos fans say the “shinboner spirit” says a lot about the club. Well, the most exciting thing ever to happen to this club was when Wayne Carey got it on with a mate’s missus in the toilet. I reckon that says a lot more. They will probably over-achieve again this year, but only because other teams show up and think they’re at training… a lack of fans will do that. Nice away strip too. Maradona would be proud.
Who to sledge? Not hot Jacko.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Port Adelaide – The name “Port Adelaide” is deceptive, given that they’ll be based in Tassie by next season. Tredrea is still their best player at the age of 107, and the Cornes brothers are too busy falling over like figure skaters at the Winter Olympics. They suck, and everyone STILL hates them. Ouch. Does anyone go for this team? Anybody?
Who to sledge? Just them.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Richmond – Have you noticed that everyone says we should feel sorry for Richmond, but no-one actually does? By 2020 they’ll have so many wooden spoons, Martha Stewart’s gonna buy shares in the place. And it’s a good thing they don’t have Soccer-style relegation in the AFL; the Tigers could soon be lining up against the Kookas on the top oval.
Who to sledge? El-Presidente’…Lee Jefferies. He loves it.
Predicted finish? First. Nah, jokes. Equal Last.
St Kilda – Looking about as pretty as Rove’s nose. And if they bothered to kick any goals, maybe they could celebrate from the boundary like Rove too. All second graders beware; Buster’s mood depends upon this team doing well. And you’d reckon he’s gonna be angry for a while. Riewoldt’s not back for a few months, and Kosi is still playing instead. That would be enough for most supporters to give it away.
Who to sledge? Buster, Goldy, and Big Baz.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Sydney – The arch-enemy. The team that didn’t want GWS. Well we don’t want you either. It’s because you wear red and you’re called the “Swans”. Soft. Plus you have Lewis Roberts-Thomson. Even softer. Sitting over there in the Eastern Suburbs with your designer clothes and trendy cafes. The worst chant in the AFL with “Syyydddnnneeeyyy”. Inventive! Meet you in Blacktown. If you’re not too scared.
Who to sledge? Too many, although Carter, Wazza, Matty and Mick are prime targets.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
West Coast – If you believe the Perth media, Nic Natanui is the greatest player of all time. And if he does follow the path of former Eagles’ greats, he’ll be arrested in no time. The Eagle’s rap sheet is as long as Dean Cox’s… arm. No Judd, no Cousins, and now no Kerr for 2010, they now have to rely on players like Quentin Lynch, Matt Priddis and Mark Le Cras, who are surely up there with Ablett, Judd, and Riewoldt in quality. Why hasn’t windows installed a sarcasm button yet?
Who to sledge? Slime, Salmon, Stapes, Chappo.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
Western Bulldogs – The acquisition of Barry Hall has filled an important space at Whitten Oval…now Rodney Eade has someone to blame when they don’t kick enough goals and lose another prelim final. The Dog’s premiership window has been open for 10 years now, which is ironic, because if you left your window open in Footscray for that long, there’d be nothing in your trophy cabinet either.
Who to sledge? Eddo, Wrighty.
Predicted finish? Equal Last.
GWS Whatevers – In a massive turn of events, the GWS Whatevers will be allowed to compete in the AFL from Round 10 onwards, giving the other teams a much needed head start. The 12 wins should see it through easily. An amazing level of pace, skill, toughness, and teamwork, will see West Sydney flog every team from pillar-to-post and make Blacktown the most feared suburb on earth… if it isn’t already.
Who to sledge? Ronnie Landas!
Predicted finish? FIRST. With a bullet.
Oi, and email me on ronnie.landas@gmail.com if you feel like it, maybe we can become GWS members together!
Enjoy the rest of 2010.
Last Modified on 14/05/2010 10:08